This is a guest post by contributing writer, Stephanie Pawlowski
When your spouse is facing chronic pain or illness, it can be a difficult and draining time for you and your family. Everything looks fine on the outside, and it’s hard to understand why your life together seems to have changed so much. Maybe the things you used to do together aren’t enjoyed any longer, maybe your spouse is constantly tired and napping all the time and (what seems like) skipping out on responsibilities, or maybe you are wondering how in the world can I understand what is going on inside them when they look ‘normal’ on the outside?
You are not alone. It is estimated that more than 133 million people in the U.S. have a chronic illness; this boils down to almost 1 in every 3 people. And these illnesses are affecting relationships, families, and the lives of many caregivers.
If your spouse is facing chronic pain/illness, here are 4 ways to support him or her:
- Have an attitude of acceptance. Hey, this stinks for the both of you. Just because pain or fatigue doesn’t have a set cause or clear solution doesn’t mean it’s not there. Accepting this stage in your lives changes your perspective regarding the valley your loved one is walking through and will prove to be beneficial for both you and them.
- Offer a hand, a hug, and a shoulder to cry on without being asked. Sometimes just hearing some simple loving words like, “I’m sorry you’re hurting”, “Can I get you some tea and rub your feet?”, or “Would you like some company at the doctor?” can make the whole world brighter and less hopeless. Your loved may be enduring their own personal stress about how they are going to get through this, but the journey can be so much easier when they know you are there with them and that you will walk this difficult road together.
- Keep an open mind…about treatment options, dietary changes, and even redefining quality time, family nights, & date nights. Just because life has to look a little different right now doesn’t mean it can’t still be great. Consider staycation family date nights, where you rent a movie with popcorn, play your favorite old board games, or try out a new cooperative video game. Even surfing the web for crazy news stories together or battling it out in “Words with Friends” can make a boring evening much more fun.
- Be understanding about limitations. Sometimes your spouse can’t finish the dishes or has to back out of the weekend plans again. Or sometimes, their limitations extend to bed rest and going out on disability. Trust me, they don’t like it any more than you do, but they need to know you have their back. Think about bringing home dinner one night a week (or more), or if it’s in your budget, hire a maid to help out with the deep cleaning once a month. Marriage is a partnership, and it’s important to remember that when one person can’t carry their load, the other partner needs to pull back & help out for a season.
Remember that this is just a season, and stress at home can certainly exacerbate pain or cause a flareup. The most important thing is that you are both in this together, to love and support each other through it all. Supporting your spouse facing chronic pain or illness could be the greatest act of love you can show them.
For better or worse, in sickness and in health. And as always, a little grace goes a long way…
How have you and your spouse or partner navigated the ups and downs caused by chronic illness or pain? We would love to know!
Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash
You cannot know how accurate you truly are. I have sat here and cried reading this. Unseen pain is utterly frustrating to explain. Thank you for helping me explain these things to my family. Support and love go a very long way
Hey! I just wanted to stop by and let you know I absolutely LOVE your blog I also wanted to drop a little message to let you know that I have nominated you for a Sunshine Blogger Award! You can find your nomination here – https://spooniesanctuaryblog.wordpress.com/2018/12/13/ive-been-nominated/ with what to do next.
With Love,
Spoonie Sanctuary
HI Karley! Wow! Thank you so, so much. We really appreciate the nomination. So sorry for the delay, I’ve been away for a few weeks trying to recharge after my dad passed. Going to check out the nomination link now XO. Marisa
Thank you for this article. It’s exhausting living with near constant pain. And as much as I want to do so many things, sometimes I just can’t. I’ll be sharing this article with my loved ones. Thanks again!
Thank you. I try so hard to keep her happy even with all the trips to the ER, experts that know very little about her disease, constant unrelenting pain and emotional stuff that goes with it. No one truly knows what she goes through, how hard she trys and lies about her illness because she loves me. So many times i need to be the bad guy and say NO, we cant go to an event, a party for friends or a comedy club because it could hurt her. She wants to please everyone at times but her health and happiness comes first to me. This is really hard for both of us as we do not see a light at the end. No matter, i love her and will do all it takes to make her feel comfortable. That is what live is i think. Its just crushing at times because i cant make her better. Ok, done venting like a weak person. Time to man up and and brush her hair while she sleeps.
What do you suggest if your spouse does not support anymore because after 10+ years I sound like a broken record? In addition, makes it seem like there is nothing wrong and the symptoms don’t exist? Even blatant physical symptoms? If their thoughts are questioned, a fight ensues
Thanks for commenting. This is such a tough issue and I wish I had the right answer to this. I think most of us will have some or even one person in our life who doesn’t offer any compassion or even attempt to understand what we go through everyday. These are really difficult situations, especially if it is a spouse. I suppose in this situation, surrounding yourself with supportive people and perhaps seeing if a counselor can help in any way may be an option. I think to go through life with a combative and unsupportive spouse is a terrible way to have to live each day and having an illness like lupus just makes this even harder. My heart goes out to you. I guess my question is what would you like to do? Have you ever approached the subject of counseling? Has your spouse ever gone to a doctor appointment and listened to what the doctors are saying? Do you have any other people in your life that offer you any support?